Breaking inside
by blackswan13
Summary: Amanda is having a hard time and needs someone to be there for her. She wishes this "someone" to be her boss, Olivia Benson, who unfortunately seems to hate her. Will Amanda finally get some much-needed comfort from Liv? Trigger Warning: Depression
1. Chapter 1

Amanda Rollins was having a bad time. She constantly felt lonely and guitly. She could not stopp thinking, she was worrying about everything all the time. She craved for someone who could understand her misery, who would just hug her and tell her that everything was going to be fine. In her imagination and dreams this person was her boss, Olivia Benson. Amanda always wanted her to be that person, but during her bad times her craving for Olivia`s comfort was almost unbearable. She hated herself for this neediness. She knew that it was extremely inappropriate considering that Olivia was her Sergeant and Amanda was a grown up woman, and not a child who really needed and deserved comfort like this. Because of that Amanda tried to keep a distance to the brunette during her bad times. She was afraid she might get hurt in a time she could not handle any more pain than what she already felt daily. The bad times, how Amanda called them, which were actually depressive episodes, made her have trouble sleeping. Every night she lay in bed for hours, her thoughts keeping her awake. And when she finally drifted off to sleep she had nightmares that really upset her.

She was starring into the mirror at the dark circles that the sleepless night left on her pale face. Amanda sighed and grabbed a coffee to go from her kitchen before leaving for work. The caffeine gave her the energy she needed to get out of bed and make it through the day.

It was around eight when Amanda entered the precint. She immediately started working on paperwork. The squad room was silent except for Fin and Carisi who were having a conversation Amanda did not pay any attention to.  
At eleven am Sergeant Benson called her Detectives for a meeting.  
„Rollins, you'll be writing.",Liv decided and handed Amanda a pen for the white board. Olivia always wanted someone to record what they were discussing during a meeting. Amanda did not mind doing that job because it meant she would have to talk less. They started discussing their current cases and Amanda began taking notes. Unfortunately her hands were shaking. Probably from the lack of sleep and food and too much caffeine, she thought. She tried to hide it from her co-workers but they noticed anyway.  
„Hey, Amanda, how much coffee have you had this morning? Your hands are shaking like crazy.", Fin asked and pointed out. Now also Carisi and Olivia were looking at Amandas trembling fingers with which she tried to write on the board.  
„Okay Rollins, give the pen to Carisi and get yourself something to eat.", Liv told her.  
Of course Amanda started protesting:  
„That's not necessary, Sergeant, I'm fine." Amanda did not want to seem weak.  
„Don't argue!" Olivia said. The blonde sighed, handed the pen to her collegue and sat down with Fin and Liv. For a short moment her Sergeant was watching Amanda intensely, but then she just went on with the meeting.


	2. Chapter 2

Around noon there was a new case for SVU.  
„I'm going to drive to the hospital now. Rollins, you're coming with me.", Sergeant Benson announced. Amanda wondered why Olivia choose her to join her. Normally the older woman would avoid working with her. Amanda knew that Liv prefered Fin and Carisi over her. She had hoped to be able to relax a bit while Olivia was gone for the case. Amanda felt so exhausted.  
„Fin and Carisi are also free.", she reminded her boss in hopes she would take one oft he men with her.  
Olivia gave her a surprised look. „Right. But I said you were going with me. Or is there any problem with that?" Amanda hated when Liv was obviously annoyed by her.  
„No, there is no problem.", she said quickly and followed her boss to the elevators. None of them said anything for a while.  
Only when they were driving towards the hospital Olivia started talking again:„Is it because of me? Do you mind working with me?"  
Amanda's heartbeat increased and she felt herself blushing.  
„No, Sergeant."  
Liv gave her a look. Her brown eyes always got to the blonde. They could be full of love and compassion or filled with annoyance and when looking at her something, Amanda felt, was almost resembling hatred.  
„You sure?", Olivia asked again. Amanda nodded.

During the questioning of their latest victim Olivias eyes were filled with sympathy again. She was always doing so great with victims. Amanda was watching from the corner of the room how Liv slowly got the girl to open up to her.  
At some point the kid started crying and Olivia carefully embraced her while mumbling soothing words. Tears were burning inside of Amanda's eyes as she longed so desperately fort hat kind of comfort from her boss. She wished that she would be the one wrapped up in Olivia's arms.  
I really have to get myself together, Amanda thought.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning already promised to turn into a bad day for Amanda. She was caught by the feeling of hopelessness already before she even left her bed. Was there any use at all in getting up? It was just going to be another dark day full of pain.  
But Amanda needed her job, that's why she forced herself to get out of bed and hurried to go to work.

The traffic was terrible that morning which frustrated her. She was absolutely stressed out when she entered the precint one hour after she had been supposed to be there.

„Rollins, my office, now.", was the first thing Amanda heard from Olivia.

She knew her Sergeant's voice implied trouble. Amanda was not sure how much of Liv's hatred towards her she would be able to handle on a day like this. She shut the door behind her back and took a deep breath, preparing herself for what was coming.

„You're extremely late. Do you have any kind of excuse?", Olivia started.

She was sitting on the chair behind her desk looking really angry.

„Traffic…", Amanda mumbled.

Liv rolled her eyes at that.

„You know, Rollins, there are people out there who would die to be a Detective at SVU. You don't make any efforts: you're constantly late, you seem totally indifferent about your work, you never listen to my orders and you're spreading a bad mood. If all of this does not matter to you, you should probably consider searching for a new job. Please think about it."

With every word from Olivia's mouth Amanda had sunken deeper into a deep dark hole.  
She sensed that she would be losing control over her emotions at any second, that's why she looked at her Sergeant while she still could saying:

„Will do, Sergeant."

Amanda quickly left her boss office and headed straightly to the cribs while tears were threatening to run down her face.


	4. Chapter 4

Amanda kept walking fast until she reached the empty room with all the uncomfortable beds inside. She closed the door and felt the first few tears falling from her eyes. She leaned against the wall, gasping for air. Her emotions were so overwhelming she felt as if she could not breathe anymore.

A thousand different thoughts and feelings were brewing inside of her.  
She was useless, just like Olivia had made clear a few minutes ago. Amanda was weak and she did not deserve this job. She felt ashamed for just being the way she was. She hated herself for her own behaviour the last few days. Amanda felt hurt by Olivia's harsh words, even though she knew her boss was right. For Amanda Olivia had always been a role model. She had terribly failed at becoming strong like her.  
Now her Sergeant wanted her to quit. Or would she fire her?  
However, Amanda would be losing the one thing that still mattered in her life.  
There was absolutely no use in fighting for anything anymore. Her fight was over and she had lost it.  
She felt incredibly tired and wasted. All she wanted to do right now was sleep. If only she could sleep forever.

This is what was going through Amanda's mind while she was sitting on the floor with her chin on her knees and her lower back pressed to the wall. The sobs from her mouth were draining the air out of her lungs and endlessly falling tears clouded her vision.  
She wrapped her arms tightly around her legs in order to keep herself togehter. It felt as if she was breaking inside. No matter how hard she tried she could not stop crying. Her body simply wouldn't listen to her anymore.

Totally shocked Amanda recognized the sound of footsteps near the door to the cribs. She pressed both hands against her mouth trying to stifle the noises of her breakdown. Panic rose inside of her because she felt she could not breathe again. The world around her started spinning and she feared everything might fall apart.

Somebody knocked at the door and opened it slowly.

Embarrassment and despair were overfloating Amanda when she watched Olivia enter the room. Her Sergeant gave her a concerned and arlarmed look and quickly closed the door behind herself. Amanda knew that she had to get herself together but the tears would not stop falling and she couldn't suppress her sobs.  
Her vision was blinded by tears, that's why she did not even see the deep worry and guilt which was written all over Olivia's face.

„Amanda.", Olivia sighed in concern walked over to where the blonde was sitting.

Amanda immediately felt the overwhelming urge to escape from the current situation. She really didn't want Olivia to see her like this, not for one more second. Quickly Amanda got up from the floor and stumbled on trembling legs past her superior towards the door. She felt dizzy and there were little black spots in her vision. Panic rose inside of her when she felt herself slipping and falling towards the ground. She was only waiting for the hard impact which surprisingly did not come. Instead she was gently caught by two strong arms and slowly escorted to the floor.

Amanda gasped for air and wanted to get up again right away, but Olivia wouldn't let her. The older woman had her hands on her shoulders pressing Amanda softly against the ground.  
The younger woman was starring right into Olivia's beautiful face now. She let out a slight scream of despair and frustration. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again.

Why did Olivia come here? Why did she have to see Amanda in such an embarassing moment when she felt so vulnerable?  
The blonde was struggeling for air again.

„Amanda! Ssch… You have to calm down! Don't try to get up! Everything is gotta breathe. Come on, sweetie, take a deep breath! Slowly in and out." Olivia tried to soothe the other woman.

Her heart was breaking when she saw how upset Amanda was and Liv knew that it was also her fault. She felt terribly sorry and hated herself for treating the blonde like this when there was obviously something up with her lately.

Amanda got confused. Was this really happening? Did the sergeant just call her „sweetie"? She felt the pressure of Liv's hands on her shoulders and could clearly hear her voice. It sounded arlarmed and worried, but at the same time calming and full of sincere sympathy.  
She tried to do what Olivia was telling her by taking a shaky breath.

„Yes, you're doing good! Just a little bit slower. Look, the way I am doing it."

Amanda felt utterly exhausted. She tried to adjust her breathing to Olivia's and saw relief in the older woman's eyes when she was able to calm down, at leat a bit.

A few minutes passed in which the two women where just looking at each other and taking long breaths.

„Do you wanna try to get up?", Olivia asked Amanda as she moved underneath her hands.

She carefully sat up while her boss helped her leaning against the wall with her back.  
Now Liv was kneeling in front of the blonde looking at her with these brown eyes affected Amanda in a way she could not deal with right now.  
Olivia was carefully stroking Amanda's arm as her tears continued falling.

Suddenly Amanda knew how to deal with the situation.

„I quit.", she said her voice low and without any emotion.

Thanks to all of those who follow or favorited the story! That really means a lot to me. I am sorry for any mistakes I made thus far and will make in the future. English is not my first language, but I'm trying.  
The next chapter will be up soon and there will be some more comfort for Amanda.


	5. Chapter 5

„I quit.", Amanda said her voice low and without any emotion.

Olivia immediately shook her head no.

„No you won't. No way, Amanda! I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier. You have been one of my best Detectives and you still are. I overreacted and I came here to apologize to you. If I had only known what talking to you like this did to you… I should have known though. Something had been off with you for a few weeks now. You're not yourself anymore. I noticed and I should have asked you about it and made sure that you were alright instead of worsening your situation.

Amanda was deeply touched by Olivia's words but it was not enough to get rid oft he pain that was dwelling deep inside of herself. She felt tired, so damn tired.

„No, you don't understand, Liv. I can't do it anymore. I'll quit because you were right. I am absolutely useless and just a burden to everyone else.", she whispered slowly.

Amanda was shocked to see tears forming inside of her boss' eyes.

„Oh Amanda, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. You're not useless! You're doing a great job and you're so good at what you are doing. It's just that something has been different lately. Something is really bothering you and I should have asked you about it right at the beginning. I've seen you suffering. I've noticed it all. You look so tired all the time, you barely eat, you don't smile anymore, you talk much less and you're so pale. You see, I saw it and it would have been my responsibility to find out what is going on with you and to help you."

The blonde felt defeated and as if she had nothing left to lose. She might as well tell the truth then. It wouldn't make any difference.

„You can't help me, Liv. Nobody can. I'm just messed up and broken and I can't be fixed. Something is wrong with me. There is no use in fighting anymore. I'm so sick of trying to fight this. All I wanna do is give up. There is no purpose anymore."

„Oh my god, Amanda.", was what Olivia said before she quickly pulled the smaller woman into her arms. Olivia wanted to hold on to her and keep her safe from herself. She got the message of Amanda's words.

Amanda leaned her heavy head against Olivia's shoulder and smelled her sweet scent. In her arms she felt secure and warm for the first time in weeks. She had been feeling so cold inside lately. Now it was as if Olivia was giving a part of her warmth to the freezing blonde.

Tears of relief and gratefulness were streaming down Amanda's cheeks.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys, it took my a while to upload a new chapter because school kept me busy. I hope you like this chapter, because I think it will be the last one. Maybe I'll start another Olivia / Amanda story soon, we'll see. I wanted to thank all of you who favorited, followed and reviewed my first story and especially for the one reminding me to update the story today :)

Chapter 6

„I'm going to drive you home, okay? You need to rest, you almost fainted a few minutes ago."

Amanda shook her head.  
„I was just dizzy from not being able to breathe. I'm fine now."

„Anyway, we need to talk, Amanda and you should not be working after a morning like this. I'll bring you home and I'll stay for a while to make sure you are okay.", Olivia announced.

Amanda did not really have the strength to argue with her. Hiding in her apartment for the rest oft he day sounded somehow comforting.

„Come on, take my hand.", Liv said reaching her arm out to the other woman. She helped her stand up and slowly lead her into her office.  
„I'm just going to tell Fin that we'll be gone, okay?", Liv said leaving Amanda alone.

The blonde's thoughts started racing again: Would Olivia fire her since she had told her she sometimes just wanted to end it? Would she send her to a shrink?  
But Amanda found that she did not really care about that right now. All that mattered to her was the imense amount of concern her boss was finally showing towards her.  
Why now? Was she just feeling guilty for yelling at her earlier? That must be it, Amanda thought, because how would such a wonderful person like Olivia ever care about someone like her?

In this moment Olivia re-entered her office and lead the two of them to the parking lot where her car was standing.

Amanda decided to just let happen what was going to happen. She was tired of worrying all the time. She felt safe with Olivia and that was the only thing which mattered right now.

Thirty minutes later the two women entered Amanda's apartment. „Sit down.", Liv said softly and gestured towards the couch.  
„You should drink some water, I'll be right back."  
Amanda wanted to protest but Olivia was already headed fort he kitchen.

She returned with a glass of water she handed to Amanda. „Drink up. I don't want you to dehydrate from crying and not taking enough care of yourself." The blonde listened to her boss and drank almost the whole glass of water.

When she was finished Olivia carefully sat down next to her.

„Can you tell me what's been going on lately? What is bothering you so much you can barely function anymore, Amanda."

Amanda became embarrassed as she realised there was actually nothing wrong in her life. Nothing was really too hard to handle. She had no reason to feel like she did all the time.

„It's actually nothing. There is nothing certain that causes me to be like this. I just get like this sometimes. I really don't know why, but I just become so tired. I just feel exhausted and lonely and hopeless for no reason. I think too much. I can't stop worrying about everything and everyone all the time. And even though I feel tired I can't seem to get much sleep. Then whenever I sleep I get these nightmares, which really scare me. Sometimes I start crying just out of the blue. I feel so vulnerable like I can't handle anything anymore. And sometimes everything feels so painful and senseless that I desperately want it to stop right in that moment."

In a strange way Amanda felt like a heavy weight was falling off of her after finally telling someone about her struggles. She had always kept it to herself thus far.

Looking into her sergeant's eyes she found true compassion and sympathy.

„I am so sorry, Amanda, that you had to go through all of this alone. I wish I had talked to you about it much earlier when I noticed that something was wrong. But from now on I'll be there for you, okay? You're not alone. A lot of people care about you, me included. I'm not a psychiatrist, but what you are describing really sounds like depression to me."

Amanda swallowed. She had been caught. Of course Olivia would figure out what was going on. What now?

„I'll lose my badge and my gun now, right?", Amanda guessed.

To her surprise Olivia shook her head.  
„I want you on my team Amanda, because I really believe that this job means a lot to you and that it's probably the only that has kept you from doing something terrible to yourself. I want you to give me your gun, because right now I don't feel save with you carrying it around all the time. That's not official though. I am asking you to give it to me as a friend, who really wants to protect you. We can keep this between us and I'll help you to get better but you need to trust me and do what I am telling you. I know you don't want anyone to know, you don't want this in your file. Please let me help you. I want you to be yourself again. I wanna see you smile again, Amanda."

A few tear drops were silently falling down Amanda's face. She felt overwhelmed by the situation. It all sounded so easy from Olivia's mouth but the blonde felt as if she could never be okay again.

„Thank you, Liv. I really want to get better, but right now it just feels to me as if it's impossible."

„That's okay, Amanda. Believe me there where times for me too I thought that I could never be happy again. But this feeling is not real and it does not last forever. I promise you'll be okay again. It's just the pain you're in that makes everything seem so dark."

Amanda nodded. Olivia really seemed to understand. She tried to wipe off some tears that were rolling down her cheeks again.

„Don't do that, honey. Just let it happen. It's okay to cry.", Liv said with so much love and care in her eyes that it broke Amanda's fragile heart.  
A sob escaped her lips. Olivia slowly stretched out her arms for Amanda and the younger woman let herself fall into them.

„It's alright, sweetie. Does it hepl if I hold you?" Amanda nodded against Olivia's chest while she kept crying.

Liv held her even thighter at that response.

Again Amanda felt so warm in her arms that she never wanted to let go. A small feeling of hope was slowly settling inside of her chest.


End file.
